Directions

I’m really awful with directions.  I get lost regularly.  Google Maps is the best thing that’s ever happened to my iphone and I can create the sheepishly, cute smile on command that’s required to ask a total stranger for directions without having them think I’m going to mug them.

I also believe that there is a protocol in asking for directions.  There are rules to follow and certain pleasantries required when disrupting a total stranger lost in their own daily agendas.  Direction getting is an art form, a skill that one should seek to master if being lost stresses you out.  No one likes feeling disoriented or misplaced.  But more than that, no one likes an uncouth idiot who rudely interrupts your 17 min lunch break for instructions to the Dollarama.

First, you should never stop someone who’s out on a run.  That is totally ridiculous.  Do you honestly think that a person who is hopped up on adrenaline and listening to the latest Rhianna track is going to stop mid stride and direct you the closest Starbucks? Screw off.

You might also want to re-think interrupting a domestic dispute for your own GPS awareness.  A couple who look like they may very well be disputing the sudden regret of the threesome they had last night, are certainly not interested in helping you find a grocery store that sells nail polish remover.

Don’t ever stop someone who is on his or her phone.  This is horribly rude.  That person is either using his phone to screen the possibility of having to talk to another human, or is actually already in a conversation.  The fact that you would stand there eavesdropping on their current discussion, only to ask where the Subway “restaurant” is (who say’s that?), reveals that you are not only self-involved, but a total asshole.

DO NOT ask a hooker for directions.  This looks bad on all accounts. Plus, they never know.

Now, what should you do? Well, without giving away all my secrets I’ll let you in on the most important tips.

Ladies, zero in on the average looking single male in the crowd.  You never go for the most attractive, as these guys feel above direction giving and can only compute comments related to their polo shirts or tie clips.  Also, you don’t want him to be with another female – girlfriend or otherwise.  These lady counterparts only feel threatened when another female approaches.  The glaring looks and hormonal excretions of bitchy-ness will only throw you off the next set of instructions.

First, approach in a submissive fashion.  Eyes should be flirtatious and chest revealed.  Say something along the lines of “oh, I’m so silly and useless with street names”, followed by a flick of the hair and a soft lick of your lips.  Tell him you’re coming back from your friends movie screening in this year’s Hard Core Porn Film Festival and you got all turned around with which way was North or South.  He’ll instantly picture you naked.   This is the moment he becomes so flustered with your docile forwardness that he will help you with anything you need. 

(Side note: attempting to have him buy you a hot dog while extracting these directions is for expert level players only.)

Exit strategy is key here.  This is the true test; to be able to turn on the ditsy charm and then yank it away like you were his mother.  Once he gives you the information you need, his next step will be to ask if you need him to show you the way.  Shut him down.  Your eyes must instantly turn from flirt to frozen.  Do up an extra button on your shirt, making him feel dirty for assuming such an implausible scenario.  A curt “thank you” gives you the higher ground of securely ending the conversation with a pleasantry, while finishing with a comment like “your fly is undone” giving you time to escape while he glances down in horror.

There! You did it! You created a situation where you started out as a bumbling lost idiot and turned it into a close encounter of social rape, ending with all the directions you could possibly need, AND a hot dog if you’re lucky. 

Join me next week when I discuss the Do’s and Don’ts of conjugal prison visits.