I live very close to the restaurant in which I work. It’s a pleasant and quick jaunt on a warm spring day, and an annoyingly short distance to walk in the winter when you have to bundle up for -20 and a wind chill. On this particular day I was running a little behind schedule, as I couldn’t decide exactly which degradingly short skirt to where with my scandalously revealing top that night, in order to make my usual amount of gratuity’s.
Hurrying along the street I came upon a lovely woman holding pamphlets in her hand and offering me one with a warm smile. You might assume that she picked me out by the floozy outfit I had on at 4pm in the afternoon, but I can assure you that wasn’t the case. She handed me a tacky brochure with the headline reading, “No God? No Problem! We’ve got you covered!” I listened to her for a few minutes; politely nodding my head and looking interested. I accepted the fact that short of jumping into oncoming traffic I wasn’t getting out of this anytime soon.
Then she did something familiar; she took out her clipboard and asked for my name. I couldn’t believe it, it was happening again. How did they find me!? I wouldn’t be surprised if they had me on some kind of Spiritual GPS. Actually, from the way they knew me by name in my hometown I really shouldn’t have been surprised by this encounter.
Yes, I am on the Jehovah Witness Hit List.
In the town where I grew up, there was no short supply of Jehovah Witnesses. Every Saturday they would drive around and introduce themselves to the community, always pleasant, always cordial. There was a particular group that would come to our house, a particular foursome that had warmed to me. Now, I don’t believe it was because I was in need of any particular saving, I believe it was because I had broken the one sacred rule, ripped down the one barrier, erased the ONE line they would have otherwise felt awkward to cross...
I told them my name.
Ahhh!! Every weekend! Asking for me BY NAME! My mom would answer the door and they would say,
“Hello! Is Katie home? We’d love to talk to her today”
My mom would very confusingly call for me and I would spend the next 30 min being polite and saying God and I were doing just fine.
But enough was enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. This was getting out of hand, my Saturday afternoon was spent hiding in the basement wondering when they would show up...they could have at least had the courtesy to show up at the same time each weekend so I could have staged my own death.
Saturday arrived and so did they. Slowly the car pulled up the driveway with the foursome inside...they killed the engine...a tall lady with a weird hat got out and straightened her blazer. I swear I heard the theme song from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly playing.
Mom: “get on the floor.”
Me: “uuhh...what?”
Mom: “on the floor, now!”
Yes, we did. The two of us lying face down on the kitchen floor breathing as softly as possible because obviously they could hear us from outside the house and 20 feet away. The weird hat lady knocked on the door and waited. She knocked again. And again. Then nothing. We were in the clear! We did it! We outsmarted the messengers of God! It was almost time to celebrate; as soon as we heard the car start we could stand up.
Wait, was she? No, she couldn’t be...she’s opening the door!?
Weird Hat Lady: “Helllooooooo! Anyone home!”
She stepped INSIDE the house....
Weird Hat Lady: “Katie!? Are you home?”
Mom and I exchanged glances of disbelief. Was she really breaking and entering in the name of God? Would we allow that? Would we really stand (lay on the floor and hide) for that!?
The answer is, yes. Yes I will hide, I will grovel on the floor, I will hold my hand over my cat’s mouth so even she can’t give me away. I will spend 30 min face down on the kitchen floor instead of 30 min in awkward politeness with this stranger. I will spend the afternoon walking around on my hands and knees so my head doesn’t cross into their sniper sight line...I will do ANYTHING to get out of talking with her each weekend.
Oh, except actually tell her that I don’t want to talk to her, because that’s just rude.
Moral of the story – take a satellite sciences course so you can figure out how to turn off Spiritual GPS.
isnt there like a set number of ppl that will actually GET to heaven?? I dont get why they would want to increase the pool of possibilities by getting ppl to "join up". Two weekends ago They came to my house, i turned down the volume on the TV to listen to my dog bark and bark and bark until they left...i guess hiding is hereditary!
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA! This is hilarious! The JW's in my neighborhood have me pegged as well. They caught me outside one day in the yard - there was no escape! Now they come back every few weeks and at first, I totally hid (scrambling to turn off the tv, ducking behind the couch and trying not to breathe). However, a few months back I had had foot surgery, so when they came to the house, I couldn't have got up to answer the door, even if I wanted to. So, I sat there, on my couch, in full view of them as they peered in the window - and just blatantly ignored them. Worked like a charm - they haven't been back since!
ReplyDeleteMind you, I'm going to hell, but I guess that's the price you pay :)
You are so allowed to be rude...invasion of privacy. Here the JWs park in the beach parking lot and walk the roads. They open big gates, walk the long drives...incredible cojones or brainwashed robots comes to mind. There is enough "God" just walking on the beach.
ReplyDeleteKim: Ha! Yes, it does seem strange that they would want to up the competition, maybe they feel better about getting to heaven by beating as many other JW's as possible :)
ReplyDeleteEran: This is the best plan!! Blatant disregard!! I think next time i might come to the door and just stand there without opening it.
Anonymous: I think they like the chase...long driveways and big gates are like a magnet for JW's. The harder it is to get to someone, the better they feel about turning you!
Katie how about the lady that sits each morning across from Moose Migil's pub in Kihei as you walk or run by her. She is nice she justs says hi, but next year I am going to tell her I'm Katie's Dad........
ReplyDelete