I mean; I. Spent. The. Day. At. The. Mall.
I’m not proud to admit it, or maybe I am, I can’t really decide as the shame and exhilaration of the event has yet to wear off.
9 hours. That’s how long I stood in line at the Eaton Center waiting for the new iPhone 4. Stop hating, cease your judgments, we all love apple. We all want the newest gimmick, we all want a computer that doesn’t require night school to operate, and we all want Steve Jobs to keep dominating the world so that we can keep buying cool stuff.
After the first 2 hours I was feeling pretty good. I was confident in my decision, I was proud to be there, taking action towards getting something I wanted, no… needed. I wasn’t alone either; there were 48 people ahead of me…ya, I counted. We were all there with a common goal, a common dream. It felt good to be united.
Then the mall opened. People started filtering in, and I began to wonder how bad it looked that I was wearing my pajamas and standing in a line that seemed to go nowhere. But you know what? They can’t judge me! They’re here pretty damn early too, and all they want to do is shop. I’m no different. But there was something off about these people; they were carrying briefcases, they had their morning coffee, they were wearing nylons and sneakers and seemed to be walking with purpose. Oh no…the mall was a short cut to their office, they weren’t shopping at all! I started to sweat a bit, I felt judgmentally uncomfortable.
“What’s this line for?” they would ask, a look of skepticism on their faces. I played it cool with a toss of my hair and answered “iPhone 4” like that would unlock all the mysteries of the world and we would be instant facebook friends. Their skepticism turned into pity and I began to hate the apple store employee who denied my request for putting bags over our heads.
Then the questions turned into “how long have you been here?” This made my sweating turn into the shakes. Why was I afraid to admit to my commitment, my passion for new stuff! I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, I was standing in the same spot for way too freakin long!!
The fluorescent lights began wearing me down, the same song was playing for the 6th time in lululemon, I saw apple employees go for lunch, come back from lunch, go for their break, go home!
Then, as the 14th person questioned my time commitment to all things electronic, I entered a state of complete shut down. I lay shaking and crying on the floor, begging for a new phone so I could just leave the questioning and judgmental madness that was The Mall. Then, I began to imagine alternative events that could have taken place in the same amount of time that I had been standing there.
1) Drive to Quebec. This is the worst drive ever. Probably the same amount of boring as standing in line, but at least I would be sitting.
2) Fly to Vancouver and back. I wouldn’t want to give Westjet the satisfaction. Plus, I hate peeing in those bathrooms.
3) Watch the entire Godfather trilogy from start to finish. Amazing alternative, and I could have used some gangster energy on some of those nagging idiots questioning me.
4) Make $76.50 at my job. That’s disgusting. I’d rather be in line.
5) Learn, memorize and perform the Vagina Monologues. You may question my abilities to do so, but I can fit an incredible amount of useless crap in my brain.
6) Translate the entire score of Le nozze di Figaro. Uuuhhgg. If you’re a singer, you know how gross that prospect is.
7) Get really drunk, sober up, and get drunk again. Hhhhmmmm, do they serve booze in the mall?
After an agonizing amount of time, I finally reached the end of the line. I made it. I did it! I conquered all obstacles and the prize at the end is a brand new sparkling iPhone 4!!
Then the sales clerk told me I should have called my provider first to find out if I was eligible to upgrade. Cause I wasn’t. That would be $750.00 please.
Who really needs a new iPhone anyways?
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